Navigating the Waters of Emotional Congruence
Authenticity is often....complicated
This is my first Substack post, so the thought that no one is going to read it is both freeing and a bit depressing. For those of you who make it to my fringe corner of the internet, welcome! To dispense with introductions, my name is Gabe, and I'm always thinking or reading. I’m simply here to share what I learn with other cool thinkers. Also, if you were one of the interesting humans to make it here, feel free to subscribe; you’re probably a bit like me.
So with that out of the way, let's talk congruence. I chose this topic as my first post because I think it is one of the most underrated psychological concepts, even though it has extensive implications in our personal and professional lives. During my undergrad in psychology, I don’t think it was discussed at length despite its interconnection with defense mechanisms like projection, cognitive dissonance, people-pleasing, etc.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s get into the foundation of congruence and who first coined the term.
What and Who
In the Beginning….. there was… Carl! as in Carl Jung and Carl Rogers Two towering names in the psychology world. Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist, introduced ideas like universal archetypes and developed the model of the psyche, delineating the Ego, personal unconscious, and collective unconscious. On the other hand, Rogers, an American psychologist and the progenitor of humanistic psychology, formulated theories such as Unconditional Positive Regard, emphasizing the importance of love in children's learning, and earned the moniker "father of talk therapy." While Jung first coined the term "congruence," its interpretation and implications intersect with many of Jung's concepts.
So, what exactly is Congruence? Simply put, it's the alignment between our inner feelings and our outward demeanor.
Feeling congruent typically brings a sense of harmony, unless one grapples with conditions like C-PTSD (complex posttraumatic stress disorder) or other circumstances/diagnoses that impede our ability to feel secure in our bodies or comprehend our emotions. When discussing Congruence, social context becomes pivotal. Expressing our thoughts and emotions openly at all times might not always be appropriate or healthy, depending on the situation and our emotional state.
Our Our exploration of congruence relies on a grasp of our interconnected states so for clarity there is:
Behavior ( Words and Actions)
Awareness (conscious identification of inner state)
Inner state ( thoughts and feelings )
Keeping in mind the states at play here, we can begin to think of congruence as a spectrum. All three states can be in play simultaneously, or different ones can align depending on individual circumstances. At its core, congruence is largely about trust and an overall alignment of all three. Being able to trust yourself through accurate awareness of your internal state allows for the cultivation of trust between you and everyone else.
Challenges to Congruence
Societally, some are afforded the privilege of being congruent more often than others. This can be due to factors such as race, class, and gender. As mentioned earlier, there are those of us who have experienced emotional traumas or mental diagnoses that can hinder our ability to be congruent. In this section, I'm going to lay out some common ways incongruence shows up and why.
Bad vibes or weird vibes:
If there's one pop culture reference everyone should know, it's this one. That nebulous feeling we've all experienced, whether it was walking into a room right after our parents fought or encountering that one individual in the friend group who just isn't right somehow. This phenomenon is all due to congruence and sometimes intuition. Humans are built for complex socialization. The famous 1967 Mehrabian and Wiener research found that communication is largely based on nonverbal cues, accounting for 93%. Albert Mehrabian also stated the following:
"When there are inconsistencies between attitudes communicated verbally and posturally, the postural component should dominate in determining the total
attitude that is inferred."
In simpler terms, Mehrabian suggests that when we perceive inconsistencies between what someone says and how they carry themselves, we tend to rely more on their body language to understand their true feelings. For instance, when we pick up on "bad vibes," our instinct is often to assume that the person emitting those vibes is directing negativity towards us. While this might be true in some cases, it's more likely that we're sensing incongruence in their behavior, which may have nothing to do with us. If you find yourself in this situation, it could be an opportunity for a difficult conversation. However, initiating such a conversation can be risky because, as we discussed earlier, self-awareness is crucial for managing congruence. There's always a chance that the person is unaware of their true feelings. In such cases, approaching the conversation with curiosity can help both parties explore what might be amiss.
Projection:
is a layered concept to explore, especially as a follow-up to understanding “bad vibes”. It's a defense mechanism that often creeps into our interactions, If you're emotionally healthy and have a solid foundation in your relationships, projection might not be a big concern. However, for many adults, especially those lacking emotionally safe experiences, projection can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations of others' behaviors. At its core, projection involves a lack of awareness regarding negative feelings and their origins. As a defense mechanism, we attribute these feelings to something external, acting as a covert roadblock to congruence. A classic example is the bully on TV who bullies others because they've been bullied themselves or struggle with insecurities. In real life, we might project feelings of incongruence onto others as a way to defend against our own unacknowledged discomfort.
Projection shares similarities with displacement, where negative feelings from one situation are expressed in an unrelated environment. For instance, a father who gets yelled at at work by his boss might come home and take out his frustrations on his family due to the power imbalance preventing him from responding at work.
What's important to grasp about projection is its significant role in communication. Societal norms often dictate that certain messy emotions, like envy or unjust anger, are wrong, which leads us to project these feelings onto others as a means of coping. Understanding projection helps us navigate the complexities of human interaction and fosters greater empathy and self-awareness.
Here are some indicators that your feelings may be rooted in projection:
Irrational annoyance: Ever felt a pang of irritation towards that seemingly perfect Instagram couple, especially when you're single or going through a rough patch in your own relationship? It could be a case of projection.
If you're someone who claims they never get jealous, think again. Jealousy is a completely normal emotion, and if you're not consciously feeling it, you might be externalizing it.
Feeling icky without being able to articulate why? Keep in mind that projection is a defense mechanism. It's our mind's way of shielding us from parts of ourselves we perceive as "ugly." This can lead to negative feelings towards people, places, and things that seem unexplainable.
Trolls: Those who engage in leaving random negative comments on social media... do I really need to explain?
Irrational anger towards specific demographics: is another telltale sign. Take Incels, for example, and their unprovoked hatred towards women. It's a clear manifestation of projection….and some other things
One of the most effective strategies to avoid projecting onto others is by cultivating a practice of self-inquiry and introspection. This involves getting acquainted with your feelings, even the messy ones. A simple yet powerful way to achieve this is through journaling. Take time to ask yourself probing questions and reflect on your thoughts and emotions. Journaling provides a safe space for exploring your inner world, allowing you to gain clarity and insight into your own experiences. By developing this habit of self-reflection, you can better understand and manage your emotions, reducing the likelihood of projecting them onto
Neurodivergence:
Thanks to social media and advancements in modern psychology, many of us have come to realize that we fall somewhere on the spectrum or may have other common disorders like OCD and ADHD. However, with these realizations often comes a strong sense of feeling "abnormal." This can lead to a pressure to perform normalcy, a phenomenon known as "masking."
Individuals on the spectrum, in particular, are often noted for their reluctance to conform to societal norms and expectations. But should they? With their innate ability to perceive the world differently, coupled with society's emphasis on conformity, it's no wonder that masking and exhaustion are common complaints among neurodivergent individuals. The constant effort to blend in and suppress their natural inclinations can take a significant toll on their mental and emotional well-being. Seeking a therapist who works with people on the spectrum can help you gain tools that make the world feel less hostile, apart from that finding a community where you do not have to mask makes all the difference
Racial implications:
This topic can be challenging for many people to confront, as it often evokes discomfort for a variety of reasons. However, my Substack aims to serve as a space for engaging in difficult conversations in an educated and respectful manner. With that in mind, while the implications of race and congruence could warrant an entire podcast episode, I'll provide a brief overview here.
When considering the main ways in which I've personally experienced or observed societal pressures for incongruence, one prominent example that comes to mind is tone policing in the workplace. Many Black women have voiced the need to constantly perform niceness and exude an "I love my job" energy to a much greater extent than their lighter-skinned peers. A Forbes article delves deeper into this issue, noting that much of it stems from stereotypes portraying Black women as angry or more combative. This compounds with research findings indicating that Black children are often adultified and face bias towards expressions of anger.
Unfortunately, there isn't a simple solution to this problem. However, one approach could involve fostering ongoing conversations and carefully evaluating prospective workplace cultures to mitigate the need for individuals to suppress justified feelings of anger in the face of racial microaggressions. By creating environments that prioritize inclusivity and respect, we can begin to address the systemic inequalities that perpetuate incongruence along racial lines.
Gender:
Gender has indeed become a sensitive topic of discussion, and I plan to address it more comprehensively in a separate post. However, let's briefly examine how gender can serve as a barrier to congruence, particularly regarding the stories surrounding our gender and their impact on our relationship with emotions, focusing specifically on anger.
The question arises: Who is allowed to express anger? Unfortunately, not everyone. As highlighted in the previous post, there are steeper repercussions depending on who is displaying anger. Psychology Today delves deeper into this topic, emphasizing how women are socialized from a very young age to suppress expressions of anger. If a woman does express anger, it is often met with loads of shame. This societal conditioning places significant constraints on women's ability to be congruent with their emotions, particularly those deemed as "negative" or "unfeminine."
"Society shuns angry women, convincing them that their rage is impolite, unattractive, or even unhealthy." —Rebecca Traister
On the flip side, it's been observed that the patriarchy enforces a different set of norms for men. Statements like "boys don't cry," "man up," and "stop being a girl" (using the more polite version) have ingrained men with the belief that anger is the only acceptable emotion for them to display. But what does this mean for other emotions? Where do they go, and how do they manifest otherwise? This societal conditioning fosters habits of incongruence, leading to experiences of bad vibes, displacement, and projection.
Addressing societal issues like these won't come with quick fixes. However, on an individual level, separating your true thoughts and feelings from those imposed by societal expectations can be a liberating journey toward self-trust and genuine self-actualization. A thought-provoking journal prompt to consider is, "If I had to start over today with no friends or family and remake my identity, who would I be?" This exercise can help untangle the layers of external influence and pave the way for authentic self-discovery.
Closing thoughts
In case I rambled too much and the importance of congruence got lost in the mix, here's the essence: We cannot fully align with the right people, the right job, the right partner, or anything else if we're stuck in a perpetual state of incongruence.
Throughout this discussion, we've delved into various barriers and reasons why we might find ourselves disconnected from our authentic thoughts and feelings. And believe me, there are many more than I listed. However, with a bit of effort and awareness, we can, at the very least, recognize when we or others are incongruent and gently encourage each other to be more aligned with our internal states, when appropriate.
Incongruence can manifest in subtle ways, like continuously saying one thing and doing another, or in more significant ways, such as making false promises or taking actions we don't fully approve of and can't quite explain why we did them. Congruence, on the other hand, is about cultivating an expansive sense of trust—trust in ourselves and in our ability to navigate the complexities of our inner world with authenticity and integrity.
Thanks for reading!
Feel free to leave a comment, I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts. Oh, and also maybe subscribe. I’d love feedback on what I should post next.
Hi Gabe! Great article. I enjoyed every word! I do have a question. Incongruence sounds like cognitive dissonance. Is cognitive dissonance a form of incongruence? How do they differ? Thanks!